Changing the mindset from Blaming Game to Ownership Game
(Shifting mindset from “Whose fault is it?” to “What can I do to fix the conflicts?”)
Let’s face this, conversational differences happen all the time. We all have been in situations of awkward silence and cold shoulders. But what is the reason for disagreements and why do small disagreements turn into big monster conflicts?
Conflicts generally brim from a slight mismatch of thoughts and then turn into a full-blown game of winning the upper hand. When one person in the conversation gets the urge to “win” the conversation, disagreements turning into conflicts are bound to happen. So, it could be said that the misalignment in the central intent of having a conversation could lead to conflicts. In this article, we discuss in detail the reasons why conflicts happen and what could be done to resolve those. In addition, we will also learn about the art of communication and the wonders of active listening.
Do conflicts occur because of the Toxic Environment?
Honestly, I do not think that conflicts are caused because of a toxic environment. According to me, the opposite is true, toxic Environment is a result of the cascaded effect of people disrespecting each other and crossing boundaries. Think of a toxic environment as a pressure cooker, you add the vegetables, water, spices, etc and then you put it to a boil. Stress builds because of the ingredients present in the cooker.
A similar pattern is followed by people. Slowly they start crossing their boundaries and putting their evil games into normal conversations. This eventually leads to built-up steam in the form of tension, frustration, and negativity, making even minor disagreements explode into major clashes. The constant negativity, low saturation point, and less acceptance lead to more conflicts and this becomes a never-ending loop.
What makes our surroundings negative?
A few of the factors that fuel arguments and create negative energy around conversations are stated below:
- Poor Communication
- Being manipulative in sentence delivery leads to misinterpretation of information.
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Finger-pointing is never beneficial when the clear goal isn’t stated. So, being clear and transparent is a must to avoid conflicts.
- Lack of Support
- Absence of collaboration and teamwork could put a lot of pressure which could thereby blow out as disrespect.
- Hitting under the belt
- Saying cursing words or phrases which are uncalled for, could immediately fire up a bad fight.
- Passing personal comments
- Bringing family or personal matters into conversations and adding sarcasm to them is low.
- Power Imbalances
- Favoritism, bullying, and misuse of authority cause serious trouble.
- Being Defensive
- Blaming others and finger-pointing is usually an indication of guards being up.
- Not seeing the bigger picture
- Focusing on a personal minute problem and not seeing the larger picture is problematic.
- Misleading non-verbal clues
- For instance, choosing to have bad body language, tone of conversation or facial expressions can start a forest fire in seconds.
Effective Communication for resolving conflicts!
Effective communication is the magic key to resolve conflicts. As a result, breaking down communication errors and working through them step by step becomes essential. So, anything and everything that has a direct impact on conflict resolution needs to be handled. This includes tone of speech, word choice, sentence delivery, etc.
There are various various types of communication, which are explored in detail below.
Ways to work through disagreements
Clarity
Avoid jargon and complex language. Moreover, ensure that the message is understood and well-received.
Empathy
Being considerate is a prerequisite for having a conversation.
Respect
Disagreement does not give the permit to disrespect. In addition, try to see things from another person’s perspective.
Active Listening
Go into a conversation with full heart and open ears
Stepping up the dialogue
A “growth mindset” is very necessary in any conflict as it will foster options to overcome challenges and build a healthy environment. This could be done by:
- Using “I” statements
- Rather than blaming the person, enlist your concerns in a clear manner
- Choosing the right place and time
- There’s a place and time for every conversation. Thus, be mindful of the surroundings.
- Focusing on the facts, not feelings
- Heated conversation would not lead to anything good. Undoubtedly, sticking to objective details is a way forward in a conflict situation.
Hearing beyond the noise
In a situation of conflict, people tend to have piled-up emotions which they wrap around disturbing comments and blast on the other person. So, it becomes the duty of both people to reach the core of disagreement and find the real reason for conflict. A frustrated approach toward communication would not lead anywhere. Thus, negotiating for ways to manage the conflict is the way forward and can be achieved by:
- Paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal clues
- Mirroring what you hear to indicate that you are listening
- Paraphrasing the statements to make what you are contemplating is correct
- Asking questions for clarification
- Negotiating to reach a collectively agreed conclusion
From conflict to collaboration
The main agenda of conflict management is to reach a common ground which is a “win-win” situation for all. Perhaps, the focus should be on what “I” can do to dampen the situation. This kind of connotation takes us back to the concept of Extreme Ownership. So, it won’t be wrong to state that being proactive and focusing on the solution would be the effective solution here. Thus, rather than being all defensive in a conflict, step back to think about what role could you play to make things better. Some of the effective tips for resolving conflicts are:
- Shifting from “Winning” to “Solving”
- Have a problem-solving approach to reach a solution that works for everyone
- Neutral Ground
- Rather than having a subjective input in the conflict, think objectively to reduce personal biases and reach a neutral ground.
- “We” v/s “Me”
- Instead of competing, collaborate to overcome the obstacle.
Conclusion
Intent is very important in resolving any kind of conflicts. Therefore, with genuineness and a right approach any kind of conflict could be resolved. The prime focus should be on saving relationships with a key focus on taking charge and not blaming others. Leading by example is very important. Thus, always treat a conflict as an opportunity for learning and growth.
Frequently Asked Questions:
a) Shift focus from blame to ownership
b) Embrace active listening
c) Communicate respectfully
d) Seek common ground and not victory
e) Focus on the solution
Taking ownership of how you respond, communicate and, approach the conflict situation signifies the rules of extreme ownership for conflict resolution.
Conflicts are not generally bad if they are seen as an opportunity to grow and are handled with the right approach.
The first is to let your partner speak and get their baggage off them. Once their heat is loaded off, they would be more open to listening to what you have to say.